Blog Updates · Personal · Tempting Eternity · Writing

The Real Problem

I don’t think I have to point out the fact that it’s been quite a while since I posted here, though I also don’t think anyone’s too surprised! I haven’t been around in quite a while, even before my last post, and there’s a good reason for it. So I’m not going to beat around the bush getting to it, and I think the bottom line is that my personal life is in a state of upheaval.

With that said, I think I should start this off by explaining that the troubles I’m having are actually pretty hard to articulate. I feel as if I owe some people an explanation, but on the same token, I’m a fairly private person. I don’t really like going into details over matters in my personal life, and sadly, the upheaval I’ve mentioned is pretty much related to nothing but personal matters.

So the best question I have to ask myself is where to start, and the best answer is to say that I’m not entirely well. At present, I’m in the process of recovery, or at least, that’s the only way I can think of to describe it.

But what am I recovering from? Well, I’ll get to that in a second. First, I need to apologize to everyone about the delay on Tempting Eternity. I postponed it for publishing back in August, and thought I’d be able to finish it by the end of the year. Sadly, that doesn’t seem likely any longer, and I’m just getting to a point where I can accept my failure to produce results sooner.

I’m an extremely stubborn person, after all, and I pushed myself to write as hard as I resisted accepting defeat. A few years back, I’d set a goal for myself to write at least two books within a year, which I think is an acceptable goal all things considered. I love writing, I love creating my worlds, and I adore hearing people say they were swept up in one of my books. I feel I owe it to those people to continue producing stories as well, and not simply because they enjoyed the books, but also because a lot of people need them.

Still, there are some things I owe to myself as well, and I can’t ignore those things anymore than someone can stop eating–and that, I do believe, is where this all begins.

So I’ll keep things simple, and take us back to July when I made the decision to quit smoking. I can’t entirely say that’s exactly where everything began, but it’s had such a large role in what’s going on that I haven’t been able to identify any other source. With that said, I think anyone would tell you that quitting smoking is certainly a step in the right direction! I even mentioned I was on the verge of quitting in my last post which was actually on my birthday, about 6 days after I smoked my last cigarette (and just so you know, I haven’t smoked since).

Until then, I’d been a smoker for 19 years, and was a heavy smoker for a good deal of that time. I could easily smoke two packs a day, if not a little more truth be told, so yeah, one might say I was dedicated to the habit. But anyone who knows me would also tell you that picking up the habit from the start had become one of my greatest regrets. I was 17 years old and barely two months out of high school when I first lit up, and while you may read this and think “Oh, she started smoking and then she quit, this isn’t such a huge deal,” I do believe smoking had a much larger impact on my life than anyone would guess at.

And this is where things get incredibly hard for me to articulate.

I honestly don’t know where to begin outside of throwing out the fact that I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression as well as generalized anxiety disorder. So it’s fairly obvious why this is so difficult for me to talk about. Anyone who suffers from mental illness in any capacity is reluctant to speak of it because of the stigmas placed on mental disorders. Most people don’t understand it because they don’t have to live with it, so when you tell them, “I had to flip the light switch five times before I left the room,” they typically tend think you’re just crazy.

Now, here comes the hard part. I’ve dealt with mental illness since I was 7 years old, and I won’t go into detail over some of the issues I’ve had, but I will say things became much more difficult to deal with after I turned 18. Ever since, it always felt like I was struggling harder than before, and the reasons why eluded me. Maybe getting older was the culprit, or perhaps my mental illness was simply severe, and I had to learn to cope. Whatever the case, it wasn’t until I made the decision to quit smoking that I realized my choice to start could’ve been why.

After all, cigarettes contain more than just nicotine. If you research it, you’ll find that cigarette smoke also delivers over 7,000 chemicals into your body, and there’s evidence that those chemicals can exacerbate mental illness, which is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. So introducing the different chemicals from cigarettes could certainly have an impact on those imbalances.

Sadly, there hasn’t been much research done into the matter judging by what I could find in searches, but I honestly don’t need searches to prove that this is, at least in part, what’s happened to me.

I can tell just by the way I feel, and the things I’ve experienced now versus then.

I’ve been off of cigarettes for just a little over three months now, and the impact it’s had on me has been pretty profound. I can breathe more easily, I don’t cough nearly as much as I used to, my skin feels softer, my hair stays cleaner longer, and I can smell/taste things again. But those are the physical changes, and there’s certainly been a shift to my moods. I’ve had a few episodes of anxiety for the first time since I was 18-19 years old, and though they weren’t severe, they were certainly reminiscent of what I went through back then.

Sadly, this has caused an upheaval that’s put a damper on my ability to focus on larger tasks. Even writing this post out feels like a huge chore I’ll never be able to accomplish, and as for writing a 100k word manuscript like Tempting Eternity?

Yeeeah, good luck? =\

So I’ve found myself in recent months spending most of my time watching youtube videos, shows, entire series, and so on, because they don’t require as much focus as writing. I’d peck out a few sentences in between bouts of playing games like The Sims 3, all while wondering when I’ll be able to get back to doing what I love most. There have been times where I thought I should just give up because maybe the reason I couldn’t get myself to write anything substantial is that I’ve simply lost interest.

But if so, why do I still long to finish my story?

The answer is simple; I haven’t lost interest, I’ve simply lost my footing. I’m in the process of recovering from nearly 2 decades worth of, well, poison, and it’s going to take some time before I can stand on my own two feet again. When I posted back in August, it was all about stopping the habit of smoking. Now, it’s about letting the pieces fall back into place, and finding myself again through it all.

So though I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen, I do know I’ve been pretending for these past few months that this is just a hiccup when it’s actually a little more serious, and I’m tired of it. I’m not going to pretend anymore, and I’m not going to act as if I’ll be getting my ninth book out by next month, because it’s simply not going to happen. Right now, I need to take care of myself, and if that means I only write down a few sentences at a time everyday, then so be it.

The good thing about this, however, is that it’s allowed me to step back and really examine where I am as a writer, which is to say no where special. I’ve gathered a few readers that I’m endlessly grateful for, and I hope you’ll all stick around as I work to get Tempting Eternity on the shelf so to speak (because I can fucking promise you it’s going to happen!). But I do need to cut out the parts of this that aren’t working, and one of those parts happens to be this blog.

I’ve run this blog for several years now, and while it serves a purpose for me in making announcements and so on, it’s not entirely convenient, nor does it have a huge following, and I certainly don’t have the time to go out and try to gather more. I’m more active on tumblr and facebook than I am here anyway, and in fact, my website has a blog, but I haven’t used it because I’ve been to busy making posts on this one. Now, with that said, I have no plans of shutting this blog down, never fear! But I’m also not going to be entirely active here anymore (saying I was from the start!).

As for the rest, I’ll be doing what I usually do, and I’m certainly not giving up on my writing. At present I’m feeling overwhelmed, unfocused, and completely out of place. But those feelings will fade over time, and I’ll be ready to continue on when they do.

Cheers! <3

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Personal

Updates Incoming

So, I realize that after I posted about the release of Cast Into Shadow, I kind of up and vanished from this blog. There’s been a lot of stuff going on in my real life, however, and I kind of just wanted to focus on writing and whatnot because I’ve been feeling so stretched thin. But I wanted to come by here and post this notice up because I do have some things to share in the works, and they’ll be up pretty soon!

That said, get ready for a book sale! Free books incoming! :D

hm_po
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Blog Updates · Personal

I’m Back! But Still Recovering…

Just wanted to leave a quick note here saying that I’m back! But I’m definitely not going to go into the week I had in depth. In fact, the most I feel like saying about it right now is that it was hellacious. I inevitably had to have a tooth pulled, and the extraction site is still causing me pain now, but it is getting better, so I’ll be back to fully abnormal soon lol :)

But omg! My blog has a shiny new background! Still in the process of tweaking it because I’m not 100% keen on it, but I do like how it’s coming along so far! :D

Blog Updates · Personal

Hiatus – Medical Issues

Hey guys, I’m stopping by to say that though I have a few posts planned, I’m going to have to put them on hold. I’m having issues with a tooth that’s causing me a severe amount of pain, even now (I haven’t really slept at all), so I’m going to dedicate the next day or two to getting the problem taken care of, recovering, and working the rest of my week for my day job.

I’m really sorry about this! Thanks so much for understanding, guys! You’re the greatest, and I’ll see ya during the weekend! :)

Personal

With Love to Paris

I’ve always been someone who’s shied away from news channels because I feel so badly when I hear reports of fighting and death, and I usually refrain from commenting when I do. It’s all so depressing to me, and I always wish for those who are suffering to pull through somehow, anyway they can, with the love and support of those closest to them.

So when I heard about the attacks on Paris, my reaction was the same, and also dabbed with concerned fear for anyone I might know through online connections who lives even remotely close to the area. Sometimes words fall short, and this is one of the cases. No amount of years spent sitting behind a computer typing out stories and articles could give someone the experience to know what to say over what’s happened in the City of Love–la Ville de L’amour–recently.

I only know enough to say that right now, I feel sick and overwhelmed, and that whatever else I could say here probably won’t be of much service to those in need. But I hope and pray the wrongs can be righted with minimal effort, that the Parisian people and those related to them find the love and support they need to pull through, and that comfort is given in abundance to help ease the grief for those lost.

If any of my followers are looking for a way to donate funds to help the organizations providing relief, one of the best ways is to visit the International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies.

Personal

Happy Halloween!

I realize I’m posting this just a slight bit late, but I wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday, and hope you’re all doing well!

Cheers!

Blog Updates · Personal

A Visit to the Emergency Room

I’m just gonna jump right into this post by saying that this has been a hellacious week. Nothing’s gone right, everything’s crazy, and I’m just hoping this new week heralds better things because OY! I’ve been to the ER twice, once on Monday for my mother, and again on Saturday for me, and I won’t go into details over the reasons for the visits, but let’s just say I’m hoping our recoveries go smoothly.

With that in mind, I wanted to mention that Fallen Hearts will be available on Monday, but with everything going on, I may be late getting the announcements up. So I wanted to make a post letting everyone know, just in case you’re wondering what’s going on with my punctuality! :)

Hope everyone’s had a better week than me, and here’s to better days ahead!

Cheers! :D

Personal

A Personal Matter

I’ve been trying to motivate myself for, well, I think it’s been a few weeks now, to come over here and make a post. I’ve had plenty of issues in mind to write about, but despite the numerous topics available, I just haven’t quite felt inspired enough to put up any articles, and mostly for reasons of a personal nature.

So I finally thought hey, why not write about that? Not my personal issues, at least, not as a main focus, but the way in which these issues have affected my ability to function normally. This post may end up going all across the board because of it, and I apologize in advance, but here goes.

For most of the year, I’ve been dealing with small health problems, some of them recurring, and though they aren’t really major, they’ve still caused me enough distress that I’ve been floundering in the social scene. (For example, at the moment, I have a small knot in my left wrist at the base of my thumb, and there’s pain whenever I try to extend my thumb from my palm, or grip/twist objects). Thankfully, these issues haven’t prevented me from doing what I love, which is writing stories (Fallen Hearts is coming out later than I’d hoped, but there’s another reason for that altogether!), but interacting with others? That’s a different ballgame.

Writing is my form of escape from the daily ugh I’d been experiencing after all, and though I haven’t started working on the next book in my series just yet, I’m setting a goal for myself to put two books out in 2016 if at all possible. But back to those annoying issues keeping me from being super active on this blog and on other social media sites … ! Continue reading “A Personal Matter”

Fallen Hearts · Personal · The Crucible · Website · Writing

Publishing a Book

I have to say this up front; it’s been a long time since I actually posted something here other than news concerning my books, and for that, I apologize. Between writing Fallen Hearts, working to get my first three books available on new platforms, book cover revamps, web design updates, and trying to organize book sales on top of working a regular job, let’s just say I’ve had a full plate in recent months! But such is the life of an indie author, and honestly? I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

While I’m on the topic, I will note that I’ve managed to update the layout of my website and, perhaps more importantly to everyone, I’m also progressing through Fallen Hearts pretty well! I won’t say I overshot my estimation on the release date, there’s still a bit left for me to take care of, but I can say releasing it might not be as late into the year as I’d thought. I’d even considered making a boxed set of my first three books available with a longer preview of Fallen Hearts added, but whether I’d be able to pull that off before I actually publish Fallen Hearts is another issue entirely. Still, it’s something worth looking into I think, just not at the expense of slowing my writing progress down. So I’ve got the idea on hold! :)

Now, as for what this post’s all about, I’d been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, and had considered writing something at some point detailing my general thoughts. Sadly, things have been so busy that I never really managed to find a moment, and now that I have, I’m not going to get too in-depth, but my thoughts were centered around the publishing industry and the numerous ways available now for people to actually publish a book.

Those were three words that were nothing more than a dream for me (and several other authors I could probably name) for the better part of my life. “Publish a book”. You’d say them, and then scoff. What were the chances! Fat is what. Very fat chance. I submitted manuscripts in my early twenties, and the rejections were a’flyin’. So I wrote with no real plans to ever become published just because I love to write. If I’m being completely honest as well, the actual process of publishing through a traditional publishing house frightened me. It seemed like authors had very little control over their own creative works–for example, no control over book covers or even their titles–and being the control freak that I am, I just wasn’t exactly digging it. Continue reading “Publishing a Book”

Blog Updates · Personal · Romance · Strange Brew · The Crucible · Writing

Unannounced Hiatus

Hi guys! I wanted to drop by and apologize for the lack of updates there’s been to my blog over the past two months or so. It’s been a busy and rather hectic summer in some ways, and another birthday has come and gone! Sadly, these things have impacted my ability to drop by here very often, and they’ve even effected the progress of Strange Brew sadly. But I’m still steadily working at getting this story done (hoping for a release in the next three months) and I wanted to take a quick minute to come by and say yep, I’m still goin’! :D

I’m just sorry if this isn’t a completely elaborate update considering just how long it’s been since the last post. I hope everyone’s doing well in the meantime as well, and I promise to be back with more information on Strange Brew in the very least soon now!